Argylle (2024)

By: Mike Ward on Friday, February 02

PG-13 Running Time: 139 mins

SHOULD I SEE IT?

YES

  • A huge ensemble cast, a James Bond-style mystery, and an adorable looking cat in a backpack - Argylle arrives in theaters with a lot of potential.

  • Matthew Vaughn’s movies are divisive for sure and Argylle will give Vaughn fans plenty to cheer about and Vaughn’s detractors plenty to crow about.

  • Sam Rockwell and Bryce Dallas Howard should be in more spy movies together*

NO

  • *Just NOT ones directed by Matthew Vaughn. Argylle is an absolute misfire of a film.

  • Incomprehensible to the point of exhaustion, with more twists and turns than a year’s worth of WWE television. Argylle spins itself into oblivion and Vaughn’s 139-minute running time goes unchecked, unedited, and only reigned in by the fact that his movie was cut to pass for a PG-13 and not an R rating.

  • Who is Argylle? Repeat after me… No. One. Cares.


OUR REVIEW

As ridiculous as Matthew Vaughn’s films have become, why wouldn’t I play into that same ridiculousness and begin a review of his latest debacle, Argylle, by quoting Charles Dickens:

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

You see, for a little while, Vaughn’s new 140-minute, Ultimate Slingshot-style spy caper is inventive and fun. A couple of double-crosses land in the first few minutes as secret agent Aubrey Argylle (Henry Cavill) stumbles around Greece in chase of the beautiful Lagrange (Dua Lipa). They dance, they tease romance, and she pulls out a gun or two and tries to do away with this handsome, “Great Value” James Bond-style wannabe. As the opening scenes play out, Argylle’s dialogue soon transitions into the audible voice of a female writer and we realize that what we have just witnessed exists within the manuscript and mind of best-selling author Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard).

When Elly’s mother Ruth (Catherine O’Hara) suggests a “girl’s weekend” to help tighten up the final chapter in Elly’s latest draft, daughter decides to surprise mother and comes to see her via train. En route, she encounters a superfan named Aidan (Sam Rockwell), secretly himself a spy, who rescues Elly from a situation she could never have conceived; she’s become the main character in a real-life spy caper and finds herself in the middle of everything.

Okay, let’s call a time out here. We need a minute. We haven’t scratched the surface of what’s to come and already we have had three or four plot twists, reveals, or surprises. Goodness gracious, this is too much movie.

Vaughn goes-for-broke in ways both good and bad and Jason Fuchs’ script is an absolute fever dream running about 105 degrees on the cool side. The movie’s visual effects can alternately look shoddy and impressive. There are continuity errors visible on screen. The story never stops spinning, becoming so wobbly and incomprehensible that we just throw our hands up and stop trying to care.

Also, I should clarify that Ultimate Slingshot reference above. Have you ever watched those YouTube, TikTok, or Reels videos of two people, side-by-side, who get launched high into the air on the Ultimate Slingshot, only to have one person have the greatest moment of their lives and the other person screaming, passing out, coming to and shrieking, then passing out again only to then wake up once more and scream loudly?

That’s Argylle! Every time you come to and think you know what is happening, the situation changes, the surroundings feel different and you scream internally because each plot twist slingshots you so high into the air, you are no longer having any fun and just want this ride to gently set you back down safely on the ground.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Alfie, the Scottish Fold kitty-kat who would steal the show here if so many of his scenes were not basically “Bad CGI Cat Face” moments. For those scoring at home, Alfie is also the name of Samuel L. Jackson’s character. Because why not make this more confusing.

And there’s still over an hour to go.

Plus, remember the hubbub around The Beatles’ “Now and Then” track from November? The song where Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr worked with producers and AI to finish a demo John Lennon recorded but never completed. Remember how people were excited and swooning over the idea of The Beatles miraculously getting back together for one last song? Remember people talking about how personal the song must have been to John Lennon and, in turn, how much this song was going to mean to Beatles’ fans? 

Well, inexplicably, “Now and Then” shows up here no less than three times and composer Lorne Balfe embeds the orchestral instrumental within the film’s score. Apparently this occurred at the request of the song’s producer Giles Martin, son of long-time Beatles producer George A. Martin, who worked with Vaughn to include the song in the film.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Brandishing largely blood-free, PG-13 violence (Vaughn has openly complained about having to edit his film to avoid an R rating), Argylle spends a lot of time trying to trick its audience, wasting scene-chewing appearances by Bryan Cranston, O’Hara, and Cavill - continuously resurfacing in Elly’s world in uncommon and unexpected ways.

To his credit, Vaughn does shoot some impressive fight scenes and honestly, if you are still awake, there is one extraordinary scene involving a character ice skating, with knives stuck into the character’s Doc Martens, who uses freshly spilled oil as a makeshift ice rink to execute double salchows, sit spins, and other Olympian levels of athleticism while slashing and murdering a gang of thugs.

Okay, that was kind of awesome.

At the heart of all of this lies the main mystery of who in fact is Argylle. I won’t say because, 1) spoilers, and 2) quite honestly, I am not even sure I know the answer and I watched the end credits scene. What I do know is Argylle is a major misfire despite Howard being committed to her performance, Rockwell giving this his very best effort and Alfie the Cat certainly quite adorable. 

Overstuffed, overcooked, pretentious and vain - Argylle is as durable as a damp manuscript.

CAST & CREW

Starring: Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara, Henry Cavill, Sofia Boutella, Dua Lipa, Ariana DeBose, John Cena, Samuel L. Jackson, Rob Delaney, Richard E. Grant, Stanley Morgan, Chip

Director: Matthew Vaughn
Written by: Jason Fuchs
Release Date: February 2, 2024
Universal Pictures