Rating:  

Starring: Kevin James, Rosario Dawson, Leslie Bibb, Ken Jeong, Donnie Wahlberg, Joe Rogan, Nat Faxon, Nicholas Turturro, Steffiana de la Cruz, Nick Bakay.

Featuring Voices of: Adam Sandler, Nick Nolte, Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Judd Apatow, Don Rickles, Jon Favreau, Faizon Love, Maya Rudolph, Bas Rutten, Jim Breuer, Rob Schneider.
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Director: Frank Coraci
Rating: PG
Running Time: 104 Mins.
Release Date: July 8, 2011
Home Video Release Date: October 11, 2011
Box Office: $79.6 Million
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Broken Road Pictures, Happy Madison Productions, Hey Eddie, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, and Columbia Pictures.

Written by: Nick Bakay, Rock Reuben, Kevin James, Jay Scherick, and David Ronn; Story by Jay Scherick and David Ronn.

Earlier this year, after seeing “Red Riding Hood”, I noted that Amanda Seyfried seems to be a talented actress tumbling down a miserable rabbit hole of terrible film project after terrible film project. I theorized that perhaps an intervention was needed in an effort to save a once promising, but now floundering, film career. The time has come to ask Kevin James to sit down, amidst a gathering of all of his “King Of Queens” friends, and beg him to stop. Stop working with Adam Sandler and his production team. Stop making nonsensical and pandering family films that have you running into things and looking like a doofus. Stop being an embarrassingly desperate actor who is seemingly unable to recognize that he is killing his career film by film, scene by scene, and line by line.

In “Zookeeper”, James plays Griffin Keyes, a caretaker at a popular zoo who is sad and depressed after the love of his life, Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), has rejected an elaborate wedding proposal years earlier. He misses her, feels like a failure in life, all the while being viewed and respected as the very best in his profession by his colleagues and the animals he takes care of on a daily basis.

A few years removed from the rejection on the beach, Stephanie has resurfaced and is moving back around the same social circles that Griffin is. Griffin sees this as a second chance he never expected and is desperate to do whatever it takes to win her back. Sensing that Griffin may need some help, the animals of the zoo accidentally break “the code” in speaking English around human beings. Griffin hears the assorted animals speaking clearly to him and he panics and thinks he is going crazy. Apparently, the animals simply want to provide Griffin with dating advice, so he can win back Stephanie and be happy again, because he has taken such good care of them through the years.

Offering advice to Griffin is a Capuchin monkey (voiced by Adam Sandler), a lion and lioness (Sylvester Stallone and Cher), an elephant (Judd Apatow), a frog (Don Rickles), a giraffe (Maya Rudolph), two bears (Faizon Love and Jon Favreau), and other assorted animals. As Griffin takes their advice into various social settings, not only does he learn that Stephanie has a boyfriend (Joe Rogan), but he is oblivious to the fact that the beautiful Kate (Rosario Dawson) is growing more and more interested in Griffin each and every day.

“Zookeeper” is insufferable, easily one of the 2011′s worst films. It arrives amidst a flurry of dismal and mediocre summer movie offerings and has no redemptive qualities whatsoever. Marketed as a family film with anthropomorphic talking animals, you would think this is at least passable for the younger viewers amongst us. Well, let’s ponder that one shall we?

For starters, Griffin is an idiot. Not a lovable, awww shucks kind of simpleton you can rally around and root for, but a dolt, pure and simple. He has opined for the love of this Stephanie for five years; a woman who essentially emasculated him and trashed his mere existence when he proposed marriage. While most would acknowledge a rejection of that nature would be difficult to get over, Stephanie has clearly moved on from guy to guy and when she reappears in Griffin’s life, he falls all over himself to win her back. What? Why? Who does that after five years? Lonely and desperate people I suppose, but Griffin does not seem to have all that terrible a life.

While I might concede he’s lonely, he is the very best zookeeper in the Tri-State area or something like that and does have the respect of virtually everyone he works with. He has made inroads on winning the trust back of Bernie, a depressed gorilla (Nick Nolte), and if he would open his eyes, standing right next to him is the breathtaking Kate, who is crushing on Griffin hard. It takes every ounce of the willing suspension of disbelief to buy that this Kate would have strong feelings for that Griffin, but whatever. And he is not really very nice to her either. Again, why?

But deeper than that, the thematic elements are not family-friendly at all. The animals, which are the likely draw for younger viewers, speak for less than half of the film, offer trite and idiotic dating tips that Griffin tries to utilize, and the screenplay, co-written by James and four others (?!) pushes the edge of what is acceptable in a PG film. Two scenes in particular with Ken Jeong are not going to play well with discerning parents and there is a healthy dose of imitative behavior involving phrasing and dialogue, and even public urination (not once, but in two scenes!), that make this bad for kids and a complete debacle from start to finish.

Plus, the animals offer dating tips and seduction techniques which implore Griffin to show Stephanie the “goods” and to “take her down”. Kay. Later, an animal talks about how when he was successful with a former mate, she had a claw and knew how to use it. Umm…

The scene from the trailer that apparently interested my 12-year old daughter in seeing “Zookeeper” involves Griffin and Bernie embarking on a T.G.I.Friday’s restaurant. Randomly, and for no conceivable reason, Bernie asks Griffin if the restaurant is as incredible as it looks. “It’s pretty good!” replies Griffin and then one of the most ill-advised and painful scenes in recent mainstream cinema unfolds for several excruciating minutes. Oh, and the payoff? Griffin gets drunk with Bernie. Like blotto. Bombed. And come to think of it. There is actually a lot of drinking in this film. Hmmm. And plenty of tight outfits worn by Stephanie. And Stephanie’s boyfriend informs Griffin that when they “make out, we make out hard.”

Good luck parents reacting to the questions and comments this film inspires on the way home from the theater or after the DVD has come to a full stop. You can’t say that I, and others, didn’t warn you ahead of time…

Should I See It?

YES

Let’s see. People seem to like anthropomorphic talking animal movies. This would be the next one of those to see I suppose.

Fans of Adam Sandler-produced comedies and of Kevin James’ work with Sandler will be drawn to check this out.

You work for T.G.I.Fridays and would like to see how your wretched 5-minute infomercial fits within the body of the film.

NO

See above.

There are so many better choices for younger viewers, either in the theaters right now or, if this is being read when “Zookeeper” arrives for home video, available via Netflix, Video On Demand, or at the local video store if you are fortunate enough to have one nearby. Just don’t bother with this. Please.

Much of this is not family-film friendly and if your children are at all prone to imitative behavior they see on TV or in movies, then save yourself a hassle and potentially awkward conversations and avoid “Zookeeper”. Email me if you need better options. I promise I will find you something more worthwhile.