Rating:  

New Line Cinema, Home Box Office, HBO Films, Village Roadshow Pictures and Warner Bros. Pictures.

Written By: Michael Patrick King, adapted from characters created by Candace Bushnell and the TV series, “Sex And The City”, created by Darren Star.

Gone is the whimsical feel of the show. Gone is the edge. Gone is the chemistry the four ladies strived so hard to gain and maintain through all their years of working together. Gone is logic. Gone is likability. Gone is anything which made “Sex And The City” a fun and entertaining television show.

I honestly cannot recall seeing a film so out of touch with its time, its audience, and its target demographic. Watching the thousand or so costume changes, the increasingly illogical decisions made by these insufferable characters, the excess, the greed, and the hubris on display, I began wondering who this film is ultimately made for. Sure the simple answer would seem to be women; however, I cannot think of any woman my wife or I know who match the archetypes on display here. So again I ask who is this for?

Certainly not the stay-at-home mom who works hard everyday but feels as if she cannot keep up with her kids, her marriage, her house, and her life in general. Kristin Davis’ Charlotte appears to be nearing the edge of some type of a nervous breakdown and when she does have time with her friends, she is mocked, ridiculed, or teased for hiring a 20-something nanny who is adverse to wearing a bra. Samantha even goes so far as to guarantee her husband will have an affair with the nanny, a fear that chases after every scene Charlotte is in for virtually two-thirds of the film.

Certainly not the career-driven woman, who struggles to balance a successful professional life with a marriage and a home life. Cynthia Nixon’s Miranda receives Jeckyll and Hyde encouragement from her husband, has a housekeeper/nanny who apparently is paid to look down, turn her mouth, and shake her head, and a son who whines about his mother never being around. When Miranda makes a spur of the moment, important decision to be more available and spend time with her family, she then races off for a trip to Abu Dhabi with the “girls”. That she teasingly checks her phone and says, “Let me check my schedule – oh yeah, nothing going on!” is nothing less than short-sighted, selfish, and actually elicited a groan from a couple of women sitting next to me.

Certainly not the woman blessed with good looks, now north of 50 years old, such as Kim Cattrell’s Samantha (in an especially grating and aggravating performance). See, you are going to get old ladies and the only way you are ever going to feel youthful and inviting to any potential paramour is to seemingly ingest 40-50 vitamins, pills, and other assorted whatevers on a given day and whine and complain about how terrible you look. Fans of the series may smile and say that is just Samantha being Samantha. No. TV series Samantha was a sexually voracious woman who was vain and arrogant, but seemed to genuinely have care and concern for her friends and their struggles. Here, completely consumed in her own world, she could not be less appealing as a character and spends most of the time telling everyone what they are doing wrong, causing stress and panic for everyone else.

And certainly not the hard-working intellectual, in a new marriage, ready to move into the domestic phase of married life. Parker’s Carrie Bradshaw Preston is the worst of the lot, as she has been married for a mere two years and is already cabin crazy with Mr. Big, himself more self-absorbed here than ever. However, Big is a stockbroker, embedded in the recession. Understandably tired and not wanting to go to an exclusive film premiere, his decision to stay in one night kickstarts a chain of events which make Carrie question her life and marriage, whether or not she wants children, and every other contrived movie scenario involving a married mid-life crisis. Why she married someone she clearly hates to love escapes me.

So, who is left? Well, “SATC” does have a significant gay following and yes, even that audience gets put to the test in a long, insufferably boring, sitcom-length opening sequence where two gay characters from the series get married. The entire wedding ceremony is mocked by the main characters in some fashion or the other, with one of them frustratingly asking, “Could this be any more gay?” and thereby squandering the chance to make a profound comment about equal marriage. In this episodic segment we do get the stunt-casting of Liza Minnelli, performing Beyonce’s iconic “Single Ladies” song and dance. So, there is that I suppose.

With everyone seemingly alienated, including I presume those also watching with no connection to the source material, I began jotting down quotes made by these characters. And what gems these ladies offer up…(pardon the paraphrasing):

• “I can hear the decadence calling!”
• “We have a private elevator?”
• “I just fell off a camel! Hey, did you get my texts?”
• “…a piece of jewelry would have been nice…”
  
• “I go to children’s birthday parties for you…you are going to Abu Dhabi for me!”
• “Hurry, we are out of time! We are going to be bumped from first-class!”
• “Don’t women take cabs here?”
• “I am a woman and I have sex!”
  
• “Is this because I’m the bitch-wife who nags you?”
  
• “And underneath the ceremonial clothing, was the season’s new Louis Vuitton line…” (or something like that, I was simply baffled at what was happening…)
• “Why’d you get a black diamond?

And my personal favorite:

• “Somewhere over Africa, I began to wonder about relationships…”

And on and on and on it goes for 146 or 147 minutes. By the way, the women end up in Abu Dhabi for about a week’s worth of vacation, so Samantha can promote a brand new extravagant hotel for a wealthy sheikh. Every excess imaginable is on display, as the ladies get their own cars with drivers, butlers, personal bar – with bartender, and the ability to have anything they want at the drop of a hat.

And all I could think of was the recession Americans are still fighting through. Or all the fans of the TV series who lost their job, their home, their retirement, or had to go bankrupt between the release of the first and second film in two short years. Their reward? These leading ladies, with limitless resources, acting like entitled, spoiled, immature brats. Oh what fun for everyone!

Did I mention the mocking of conservative Muslim culture by Samantha and her ongoing sexual tirades? The condom taunting scene has to be seen to be believed. Then again, no. No it doesn’t. Sitting through this debacle is torturous. Carrying no respect for its audience, the film’s arrogance is shocking.

In his review of the action/comic-book adaptation, “Kick-Ass” from earlier in 2010, the incomparable Roger Ebert wrote the following statement:

“Let’s say you’re a big fan of the original comic book, and you think the movie does it justice. You know what? You inhabit a world I am so very not interested in.”

Switch out “comic book” for “television show” and allow me to apply that same logic.

Should I See It?

YES

Unwavering fans of the series and first film will clamor for this.

The film feels like several episodes strung together and could almost be viewed as a miniseries, such as the first film did, which may appeal to some.

You are a glutton for punishment and/or like big-budget, big-star failures of the most epic in nature.

NO

See above.

You are a fan of the long-running TV series and want to preserve those memories when thinking of the “SATC” franchise.

You are a female. In all honesty, there is a lot here that will offend you. Whoever and wherever you are in life.

In this day and age, this movie has no place or purpose.