Spyglass Entertainment and Paramount Pictures

Written By: Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Paul Lovett

“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra” is the long-awaited big-budget, big screen adaptation of the well-loved and enduring military toy series. With an impressive cast on paper and a director who has successfully handled action/adventure films in the past, “G.I. Joe” should have been a fun, engaging, thrill ride. Unfortunately, “G.I. Joe” is another empty-headed, overbearing, annoying action film that is more content with making things go boom then delivering anything substantive.

Tasked with the delivery of four nano-technology warheads, Army soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are ambushed by members of Cobra, led by the mysterious Baroness (Sienna Miller). Rescued by members of the G.I. Joe special forces unit, Duke and Ripcord are initially dismissed, and then accepted into G.I. Joe by its leader, General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), when Duke shares with the General that he recognized the Baroness as his ex-fiance. Wanting the warheads for nefarious means, Cobra comes after G.I. Joe, resulting in numerous battles over the possession of these new age weapons of mass destruction. Perhaps, you can figure out where this ends up. I won’t spoil anything here, but I assumed the conclusion of this story once G.I. Joe were ambushed by Cobra.

For nearly 2 straight hours, we are subjected to subpar special effects, where certain sequences are so poorly constructed that you can almost see the VFX technician sitting at the computer moving the characters around with a mouse. Viewers can also enjoy the constant headache of metal scraping, bullets flying by, and unrelenting chaos and destruction. Watching “G.I. Joe” allows viewers to delight in the assembly line action movie dialogue, and then, naturally, we enjoy frequent flashbacks dealing with love.

Yes, love stories. In a “G.I. Joe” film. Just like you may have acted out with your set of G.I. Joe action hero toys in your bedroom or with your buddies outside growing up. Duke used to be in love with the Baroness. Ripcord is in love with fellow comrade, Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), and two brothers, the good guy Snake Eyes and the bad guy Storm Shadow, are now estranged and Storm Shadow remembers back to when they had a competitive brotherly bond and relationship – now severed as they fight on opposing sides of the conflict.

Easier to follow than the other ridiculous, big summer blockbuster action flick from 2009, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, but no less underwhelming, “G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra” is a cobbled together mess of everything you’ve seen before in an action film and seen produced better. The characters lack charisma (including Dennis Quaid, horribly miscast as the tough-as-nails General Hawk), the plot fails to connect with its audience, and all the destruction becomes boring very quickly.

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is little more than a filmed version of a video game. As a waste of your time and your money, one would be better served pulling out all those old action figures from the attic and creating your own movie. Chances are, that will be much closer to the “G.I. Joe” film you were truly hoping for anyway.

Should I See It?

YES

If you had G.I. Joe action figures when you were a kid and have always wanted those characters fleshed out and brought to life.

You enjoy the idea of another entry in the massive toy and comic book adaptations made this decade.

You are in one of those “don’t wanna think tonight” movie moods where you want just a “popcorn movie”, with enough going on to keep you entertained for a couple of hours.

NO

The performances are so stale and bland, that the entire film feels like an exercise in futility.

The film is built around long action sequences and special effects. However, the special effects are so shoddily produced that the whole thing comes off as a film that feels rushed through to completion.

There are much better action movies, even toy and comic book adaptations, that are much worthier of your time.