Rating:  

Starring: Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan, Ron Perlman, Bob Sapp, Leo Howard, Steven O’Donnell, Said Taghmoui, Nathan Jones, Nonso Anozie, Laila Rouass. Morgan Freeman.
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Director: Marcus Nispel
Rating: R
Running Time: 112 Mins.
Release Date: August 19, 2011
Home Video Release Date: TBD
Box Office: $21.2 Million
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Nu Image Films, Millennium Films, Paradox Entertainment, and Lionsgate.

Written by: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood, based on a character created by Robert E. Howard.

One question kept returning to my mind again and again as I watched the 2011 relaunch of the “Conan” film franchise. And that question was simply…Why? In all honesty, I turned that one simple word over and over again in my mind looking for an answer in virtually every one of the 112 minutes it took to endure this latest cinematic failure. I suppose the original 1982 cult favorite, which turned Arnold Schwarzenegger into a movie star, has its fans nearly 30 years later. But in all seriousness, who amongst us ever said to themselves, “Now, Conan the Barbarian…there’s a film we need to see brought forward with today’s technology!”

Well apparently a lot of people, or enough of them, because in August 2011, the “Conan The Barbarian” relaunch has been unleashed for our consumption. The project passed through numerous hands in the late-1990s and early 2000s before eventually, a deal was made with many of the same folks involved with Sylvester Stallone’s rambunctious 2008 return as “Rambo”. Pleased with that film’s success, the green light was switched on and “Conan The Barbarian” moved into production. And then in an effort to enhance our experience and to make Conan cool to a whole new generation, the film was gloriously post-produced as a 3D film! Pardon me while I exhale loud enough for you all to hear.

Rather than remaking the original 1982 fantasy epic, this “Conan” is a reinterpretation of the “Conan” mythology (sigh) and has only a handful of connections to the original film. In the title role, we get Jason Momoa, a one-note actor who resembles the aftereffects of cross-pollinating Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson with Billy Zane. He is apparently on the popular HBO series, “Game Of Thrones” but also has “Baywatch: Hawaii” in his past. Let’s just say that I don’t see Momoa having a breakthrough like the future Governor of California happened to experience with his turn as the Barbarian of record here.

Directed by the always blood-thirsty Marcus Nispel, who has helmed the reboots of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th” in the last several years, “Conan The Barbarian” 2011-style begins with Conan being birthed by his father (Ron Perlman) on the battlefield, via a blade-induced C-section of his mother.

Wait, what? Yes, that’s right… ON THE BATTLEFIELD?!?! She was at war? Talk about working up to your due date, but I digress. This incredible opening goes like this:

Mom is hurt. Dad asks what he can do. She wants to see her baby before she perishes ON THE BATTLE…never mind. Sword into belly. Slightly agonized and painful look on Mom’s face. She names her son Conan, sees him ever so briefly…then dies.

Oh, oh, oh, the best part comes next when Dad lifts Conan to the Heavens, “Lion King” Simba-style, and lets out a scream to the Gods and his allies and enemies alike. I think I cursed at this point, audible and loud enough for people to hear. Sorry if you were next to me. Couldn’t help myself.

Naturally, Dad trains his son to the ways of the sword but when Conan is a teenager, tragedy strikes and he and his father are captured and enslaved by the evil Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). At his side is Marique (Rose McGowan), his witchy daughter who falls victim to a horrific and flat out strange McGowan performance. Marique wears a Freddy Krueger-like set of talon claws on her left hand and proceeds to jab people in their necks or slice their faces open, all in the name of seeking to find the one woman with pure blood who can provide the fuel for the engine of a mysterious devilish mask that will convert Zym into a God. I don’t know either.

After his father sacrifices himself in an effort to free his son (I suppose that is a **Spoiler Alert**), Conan sets out to score his revenge and encounters the nubile Tamara (Rachel Nichols), a monk who may just be the one that Marique and Zym are seeking. Conan is laughably gruff and uninterested at first, but if you have seen any R-rated fantasy swordplay films before, then you know that Conan will not be gruff and uninterested for long and yes, that scene is in 3D as well.

I can count on one hand the things I enjoyed about “Conan The Barbarian”. The absurd quote above, in which Conan outlines his personal drumbeat for success, induced hearty laughter from everyone in attendance and to Momoa’s credit, he delivered it with a straight face. Conan treats Tamara horribly at first, referring to her as “Woman”, and commanding her to do things such as “Move”, or “Go”, or when it comes time to dismount her horse, he commands her “Off!”. These moments are silly and goofy. One fight sequence involving shapeshifting sand men is as ambitious as it is logically underwhelming. And that will do it. Three scenes. Good work folks.

No…instead we get CGI-everything from Nispel. Every blow to an unfortunate foe brings a burst of blood, save the opening birthing scene curiously enough, and dismembered soldiers, severed limbs, awful maiming, and reckless brutality occupy much of the visual landscape. At one point a good friend and fellow critic leaned over and asked me what was going on and I simply could not answer him. You see, just before he asked me that, we had witnessed a 5 or 6 minute battle sequence where every nuance of sound was fused together in an unbearable audio track of mayhem and all appearances of a plausible storyline had long since ran its course.

Seemingly, Marcus Nispel is content providing blood-soaked violence and gratuitous nudity for virtually all 112 minutes of “Conan The Barbarian”. How he ever got Morgan Freeman to utter two segments of nonsensical narration, I will never know. Additionally, if you can explain why Nispel decides on utilizing title card location markers for mythical places that are never identified by characters or framed in any working context, then you are a better reviewer than I am. While I was lost in trying to understand the plot, I was lost in the world Conan lived in. I guess my cinematic GPS failed me yet again.

If “Conan” sounds like so-bad-it-is-good cinema, it is not except for that brilliantly awful beginning. The film is a long, boring, turgid slog to endure. The fact that it is exhibited in 3D is anger-inducing, as I easily watched more than half of the film with my glasses OFF, rendering the 3D nothing more than a shameful attempt at trying to get some ROI for the project.

“Conan The Barbarian” is as bad as it looks, as unnecessary as it seems, and is best left ignored.

Should I See It?

You are a fan of the original and am curious to see how a 2011 Conan The Barbarian film stacks up in today’s more technologically advanced era of filmmaking.

You enjoy films directed by Marcus Nispel. Or perhaps his earlier work in music videos – far superior to his theatrical work, in my humble opinion.

Your idea of fantasy films is not those silly and overlong “Lord Of The Rings” films, but the lion-cloth infused romps from the 1980s.

Money is no object to you.

Read above. ON THE BATTLEFIELD? Seriously…

What on earth possessed Morgan Freeman to narrate two paragraphs of dialogue in the first 15 minutes and then NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN? Oh, I despise this movie.

It’s perhaps the WORST post-converted 3D film I have seen this year. There is no need to see films in 3D anyway, but this is one of the worst offenders.

Jason Momoa is not Arnold Schwarzenegger, even if he can handle his own in an action scene. This will not make him an A-lister and may actually ruin Rose McGowan’s listless career with her performance here.