Rating:  

De Line Pictures, and Screen Gems.

Written by: Steve Antin

While I am not a fan of the “Burlesque” movie, I have to say that the film far exceeded my expectations. While I strive to not create preconceived notions about a project before I see it, I mean…come on, it is hard sometimes. Here’s what you can take from the first 20 minutes or so from “Burlesque” – Christina Aguilera is a decent actress, Cher still commands the screen, even with rather distracting makeup and I would suspect some distinctive cosmetic enhancements, and the movie is full of music. I know, I know it’s a musical – but 4 songs in 20 minutes? That’s a lot of time filler for something that becomes so reliant on a traditional script in the last half.

With “Burlesque” we have yet another going-to-Los-Angeles-to-become-a-star story, which has been made so many times that I suspect there must be a quota in the industry on making these types of films. Let’s press on though, shall we?

Saving up enough to land a dive apartment, Ali (Aguilera) looks for job after job until stumbling into a ritzy and swank burlesque bar. Alis are introduced to Tess (Cher), the bar’s owner, via a song and dance number with Tess leading her troupe threw the conveniently titled “Welcome To Burlesque”. Immediately, Tess wants in. We have already heard in the opening sequence what kind of incredible singing voice Ali has and now she must convince Tess that she can be one of her dancers and performers. Tess naturally wants no part of Ali or her offers and dismisses her straightaway.

At Tess’ hip is her trusted manager, Sean (Stanley Tucci), whose focus is twofold – keep Tess happy and make things run smoothly. Slipping in under the radar is Ali and her persistence draws the attention of bartender, Jack (Cam Gigandet). Ali, drawing on her previous restaurant experience, begins picking up drinks and volunteering her time as a waitress in the bar much to Tess’ chagrin. Tess hires her on eventually but that only serves as step one of Ali’s plan. She learns the moves and when finally forcing the issue with Tess and Sean, she destroys on stage with a vocal performance that leaves everyone speechless. After losing her best dancer, Nikki, (a terribly miscast Kristen Bell), Tess has landed the prestige spot and job she has always wanted.

But, wait there’s more! Ali starts to fall for Jack. Tess is losing money with the bar and is torn between selling the bar to developers or finding a new way to generate revenue. Can Ali be that spark that turns the fortunes of Tess and her bar around? Will Nikki return and tear Ali’s eyes out? Why is Peter Gallagher here? Why would you cast Kristen Bell, if you are only going to shoot her from close ups and wide shots that expose her inability to dance on par with the other girls?

You know what, nevermind. If Aguilera is a better-than-expected actress and Cher is well…Cher here, then the problems must lie elsewhere. And they do, with Steve Antin’s textbook screenplay. When Antin wrote the scene layout and dialogue, he must have been unable to get the set design and costumes he envisioned out of his mind because he trots out the standard and stock wanna be a star narrative. There is not really any originality to be found in the story of Ali, Tess, or anyone else involved. Really the only mystery in the film is that you don’t know when the songs are coming. I suppose that’s fun for some folks.

And yet surprisingly, the music fails to truly connect either. Cher’s big number, “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” becomes a fleeting memory as soon as it concludes and save Christina Aguilera’s big and showy performance number for Tess and Sean, the music just sort of happens. Technically, the film is quite accomplished. The vivid art direction catches your eye when you are sort of bored with what is happening in front of the set pieces and set design. Cinematically, the film captures the aesthetics Steve Antin was going for in a masterful way.

To sum up “Burlesque”, let me summarize it in this way.

We have all been dazzled into buying something that looks amazing, only to have buyer’s remorse the moment we possess it. So here is the cinematic equivalent; a film that looks terrific and engages your senses but is flimsy, hollow, and empty on the inside. Without any moments to connect with, “Burlesque” becomes nothing more than a cinematic bauble or tchotchke; one we were interested in having but now just sits in the back of a junk drawer or hangs in the far reaches of a clothing rack, collecting dust and providing nothing more than a momentary satisfaction.

Should I See It?

YES

Christina Aguilera might be a decent actress someday. She holds her own and does not “Glitter” her feature film debut.

Cher, I was advised, looks fierce in this. She seems to be having fun here and her fans will have undoubtedly already have seen the film countless times and/or played it for you if you are with them.

The film is dazzling visually, although maybe Tess could not spend so much on the sets in her club and save some money that way!?!

NO

For some of you, this will be “take-a-shot”, Rifftrax, or Mystery Science Theater 3000 bad. Maybe this should be in the “Yes” column then?

There’s simply no substance behind the glitz and the glamour and the melodrama. All show and no heart or soul. Meh.

This is no “Chicago” and absolutely nowhere near “Moulin Rouge” for recent comparisons.